hmm

a little over a month to go... soon to be 19... haha... the past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me... yeah.. been thru it all... but i gotta agree with BSCube that i have given too much to back off... i have put my all in everything i do... and i guess... no i know that this is no diff... i will take the advice of the asses... i mean... i know they are right... i gotta go for it... i will... i am who i am... i love being me... no one else can even come close to understanding me... if you think you know me like how my bro's do... you gotta another thing coming... i am going for it... BETTER TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST THEN NEVER TO HAVE LOVED AT ALL.... God bless... shalom...

stupid.. so damn stupid... why am i so GOD DAMN STUPID... arg... maybe... just maybe... i can stop it... nip it in the bud?? bud?? what bud??? haha... its in full bloom... hoping for a rose but all i am getting is the thorns... haha...

pain

very short post... to feel pain is good... it means you are alive and wou will make it through...
pain... is what separates reality and fantasy...
pain is what keeps me real..
pain is what keeps me cool
pain is what keeps me calm
pain is what keeps me collected...
pain is what personifies me...
its who i am...
its who i will always be...
pain is a constant reminder...
to keep my distance...
i love pain...

Painful Past rears its Ugly HEAD

hmm... this post is a reminecense of the stupid life i had back in sec school... something happened recently which many only could have seen in my sec school life... i thought i had put it behind me... but...
it has something to do with obsession... really... there was this girl that i was obsessing over in sec 1... it lasted 3 damn years... yeah it did... but you see... nearing the end of sec 1 she got attached... to my best freind no less... it hurt... but i din stop... during that time... i lost my best friend... to a damn obsession... FUCK... karma has a way of turning things around... haha... thats why i always try to keep my feelings under wraps... substitute my feelings with over confidence... haha.. but i got over it... ironically it was through i speech i gave to the school... in sec 4... we had a competition... it was called PESA... Plain English Speaking Awards... 2 phases of competition... a preplanned speech first and the an impromtu one... so the preplanned speech could have been any topic i wanted.. anything... i could not decide... so my teacher picked for me... she picked obsession... yeah... that speech made me realize what a fool i had been... Obsession... as defined by the merriam-webster dictionary is a persistant disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonble idea or feeling... but thats not it... not only this... the impromtu speech for everyone... was... TRUST...
i thought.. wow... this feels wierd.. granted i did not win the competition... i gained something i never thought i could... an understanding... i guess i thought i understood myself... staying away helped me cope with who i am... but suddenly things changed...
lotsa girls thought i was not good enough to be their friend... i was left out of a lot of things... in MI... i was accepted... and i was happy... i AM happy... but i made sure it did not go out of hand... as i said i stayed away... but then... nothing could have prepared me for the freinds i made in SC... the people... who accpeted me the most.. the people i regarded as family... but.. i got burned.. once.. now twice.. one person i thought i was close with ... was not... i was exploited.... haiz... i realized thing never change... but i still kept the obsession at bay... then... i met this girl... wow... she treated better than anyone has in years... i... i was happy... yeah... then when she had problem... i went overboard... i did... overeacted.. got obsessed... BUT.. she... she told me... that i was being overly concerned... that it freaked her out... i realise i had gone back to who i was... so stupid... i am so stupid... haiz...at the same time... an issue on trust came about... flashback ain't it...
i really don' want to lose her friendship over this matted... no i don't... and definitely not her trust... i had a hard lesson before and it destroyed a relationship with my close friend... i definitely dun want that now... not anymore... so... i have to say this... now...
I AM SORRY... I REALLY AM... Please... Believe Me...

TRUST

Trust, earned or lost
Do you have it from the beginning
Do you earn it
Does it take long
I think trust in earned and lost
It must never be questioned
For questioning trust is questioning your friend
If you have to question your friend did you ever really trust them to begin with
If trust is lost, will you ever get it back
Will you ever be close to that person again
Will you ever hear their secrets
How will it ever be the same
They might not ever fully trust you
I know how this feels
I have lost people’s trust many a time before
Why on earth don’t they trust me
I wish they did but I understand

Jake Gassiot: Trust

... Torn ...

Another day passes by,
without word that you're alright...
been kinda worried for you...
i just wished you would just reply me too...
2 days it has been...
much has yet to be seen...
i do hope you this thought...
and strengthen this friendship we have wrought..
haiz...

Thats just something that came to my mind... hmm... tried calling her... never answered... kinda sad... dunno what to do... i just hope you're ok... if you do see this.. i hope you understand... i need to know that you're alright... so call me as soon as you can...

PARANOIA

Hey... well... the title sayz it all... why... hmm... the old fear resurfaces... many people wonder why a guy so confident can get all clammed up... well i dunno myself... i am losing it... these few days... haiz... my thots... all about her... seriously... i guess... oh i dunno... sucks man... big reason why i stayed away from relations... far away... shit happens... this paranoia is not baseless... for those who dunno... whenever i have tried being close to someone... the person will suddenly distance themselves... very far away... so i... dunno what to do... people say that my exuberent confidence gives them confidence... but now... hmm... happy go lucky... ??? haiz...

Confused...

Please... let this go thru...

i hope...

we dun distance ourselves...

gone...

Ok... man.. i have been so tired these past few day... the shops newly opened... i gotta orientation stuff. to do... man.. barely getting enough sleep... let alone time too have fun.. well today was another day of painting... at least i am doing it with people i like... god can you imagine doing it with people you hate... arg... any way... so me nadia z. cheryl and siti did some major painting in 3 1/2 hours... plus the boxes for the sc den had also arrived.. we are still waiting on the bartley stuff... the blazers are here too... woohoo... hope everything falls into place.... the girls gonna go shopping for cupboards soon... woohoo... oh yeah... i spilled a Sh*t Load of paint today... haha... it fell on my foot(OW!!!) and spilled.. me and cher took a LONG while to clean it... even with thinner... well.. at least did all our jobs... oh yeah... backtraking... today... i reached bb mrt at 1115... so i saw 157 and was sorta joggin for it... but voila... would'nt you know it cher got of the bus... coincidence... hmm... well we had lunch at pastamania... she had manarina and me beef bologneese... both linguini... hmm... well after painting... i accompanied cher to tpy... she had to go popular.. on the way in the bus we were laughing at shu jians antics... hilarious... haha... haha... well she went pop and got a book for her bro... well... after that we parted... i went home to the shop... haha... did some work and went up... tired... so damn tired... i am gonna hit the sack early i guess... wait no... i got bad boyz 2 tonight... man... alritght... i am signing off... see ya peepz...

been very long

hey guys... its been so long since i last posted... so lets get back on track... yesterday it was larence and nilams birthday... anyway i was out with larence, ks, huiting, cheryl, and jo... well... would you believe it...we went to k box at cine... really we did... and cher and jo have never been to k box before... haha... had a shit load of fun... especially when singing with jo and cher... haha... damn funny... well what to to... its not too often you get to hang with those guys... we did take neoprints... damn funny... the backing was green so i looked as if i din have arms in the video screen but it turned out ok in the end... haha... after that was a little shopping... not by the guys but the girls (as UsUaL) haha... cher bought ANOTHER bag for SJ... haha... how many bags does a guy need... we took a walkt over to dhoby after that cuase there was a disruption.... there we parted with cher and jo who had plans with their families... the rest if us went to vivo... we saw andy there... we were at the arcade... we watched larence dance para para... not bad... after that we played a game of air hockey... me and lar against ks and ht... we won by a mile.. haha... then we headed to compass point... yeah... to meet meiling who was having break from work.... then we ate ice cream waffle... then we headed home... and i helped me parents at the shop again... todays the 3rd day of opening... pretty kool... any how i will be a little more consistant soon... peace ot guys...